The Cats' Meow (Non-TEF)

Aivilo's picture
The Cats' Meow:
A-mew-sing Conversations with Rowan and Lieutenant Dan

Occasional profanity warning, generally mild.

No idea how long I'll keep up with this. It's just for shiggles.

Meet the Boys:
RowanLt. Dan Taylor
Name: Rowan
DOB: ~July 22, 2009
Gender: Male
Breed: Domestic Shorthair
Color: Red Tabby and White (locket)

The Story: One day when I walked up for my morning shift at my first job, there was a box on the porch of the veterinary clinic. Our mail lady said a man had brought the box up just before we arrived, and when she told him we would be there in just a few minutes, he lied and said that we had told him to leave the box there. Inside were three little kittens, hardly five days old. There were two orange tabbies and one tortoiseshell. The morning crew all agreed to pass the kittens around and each take a night or two of bottle feeding until the kittens were old enough to be adopted. The kittens got different names depending on who they were with at the time. A few weeks later, I moved out into my first apartment. I had always wanted a cat, and one kitten in particular had caught my attention. He was the calmest of the bunch and just wanted to snuggle with me. When I had made up my mind, I called the clinic and drove the hour and a half to my hometown to go and pick him up. He got his first collar and name tag as a welcome home gift, and we've been together ever since.

Likes: Food, Crunchies (Greenies), Treat Time, Kitty Kibble, Watching Dan play with the laser pointer, eating underwear, snuggles, sitting in Mama's chair, laying on Mama's laptop (preferably while she is typing), mint, Burt's Bees products, gooshy food, standing water, Dan, sneaking up on Dan, bags, boxes, knocking things off the desk while Mama's watching, The Noisy Printer Bug
Dislikes: The Bath, That Tone of Voice, medicine, The Vacuum, The Boom Stick, running water, THE VET
Favorite Words: Yeah, Nah

Name: Lieutenant Dan Taylor
Actually gets called: Dan, Danny, Danny Boy, Lieutenant, Lieutenant Dan, Daniel
DOB: March 4, 2010
Gender: Male
Breed: Domestic Shorthair
Color: Brown Tabby and White (chin)

The Story: One day someone brought in a kitten to the clinic I currently work at. "Mr. Whiskers" had jumped up on a baby gate and knocked it over on himself. His femur was snapped in half, right around the middle. His mother had been a stray who came into the owner's house and promptly had a litter of kittens in the closet. This kitten was one they had chosen not to keep, and so they opted for conservative care and we attempted to splint the leg. After much difficulty, we got the leg reasonably set and sent him on his way. At his follow-up exam, the leg was not aligned correctly and it was apparent that the leg was not healing as it should be. The owners didn't want to pour money into a cat that they did not want and did not have a home for, so they chose to release him to the clinic. My coworker was going to foster the kitten until she could find him a nice home, and the broken leg would be partially amputated. When the doctors got into surgery and were removing the leg below the break, a major problem turned up: the bone was turning black. Unable to save the upper portion, the entire leg was removed. Since my coworker was going out of town and I already had everything necessary to house a cat, as I had Rowan, I volunteered to take the kitten - now "Tres" - for one week. As the week progressed, it became more and more apparent that Rowan had an interest and even a liking for the little tyke, and they quickly became playmates. I would be moving soon, and parting ways with my roommate and her cat, Oona, who was Rowan's "girlfriend." I knew Rowan would be lonely, and he sure loved that kitten. A few nights later, very late, I happened to glance over at the kitten on my way out to do something and realized he had gotten his E-collar off and had pulled out all of his stitches. $200, three staples, and a showing of "Forrest Gump" later, Lt. Dan (you ain't got no leg!) was here to stay.

Likes: Food, Treat Time, Kitty Kibble, The Red Dot Bug, eating real bugs, eating socks, chewing cup lids, chewing straws, swatting at feet under the bathroom door, sitting under Mama's feet, sleeping on Mama's shoes, sleeping in weird positions, cuddles, talking, Rowan, chasing Rowan, bags, boxes, Mousie
Dislikes: The Bath, That Tone of Voice, The Vacuum, dogs, THE VET
Favorite Words: Now, Right Now, No, I don't wanna

Conversations With the Boys


Oh, where have you been, Danny boy, Danny boy?
Where have you been, charming Danny?

I have gone and lost my leg,
had to get myself a peg.
I am clumsy and should not leave my mother.

Did you bump your little shin, Danny boy, Danny boy?
Did you bump your little shin, charming Danny?

Yes, I bumped my little shin;
there's a dent upon my chin.
I am clumsy and should not leave my mother.

Did you scratch your mother's eye, Danny boy, Danny boy?
Did you scratch your mother's eye, charming Danny?

Yes, I scratched my mother's eye.
She ran away and she cried.
I am clumsy and should not leave my mother : <

Did you eat a lot of thread, Danny boy, Danny boy?
Did you eat a lot of thread, charming Danny?

Yes, I ate a lot of thread
when you went and turned your head.
I am sneaky and should not leave my mother.

How many straws, Danny boy, Danny boy?
How many straws did you vomit?

I have puked up all the straws
that have come across my jaws.
I am sneaky and should not leave my mother.

How many socks, Danny boy, Danny boy?
How many socks have you eaten?

I ate 60 times 11,
28 and 47.
I am sneaky and should not leave my mother.

Everything in this song is real.

Dan jumped up on a baby gate and lost his leg after the gate fell on him and broke his femur.
He climbed on my dresser and got another leg smushed in a drawer after he knocked that down.
He scratched my cornea after he fell over and kicked me in the face.
He ate FIVE FEET of sewing thread.
Straw puke.... everywhere. It's part of daily life.
And he eats my socks constantly.

+10 Crazy Cat Lady Points - Level up!


Ignore the boyfriend's commentary.


Mom, this thing has a flavor...


Super-efficient grooming!, the video's not working : <

DAN. I KNOW you're hungry, but dinner isn't for another hour.
I KNOW it's your birthday. That doesn't cha-
Will you stop knocking things off my desk for two seconds?!
My phone?

Dear Mom:
I don't give a f*ck.
Love, Rowan.


Kitty tantrums are adorable :3

Hey, Rowan?
Sleeping, Mom.
...Rowan, I need my notes.
I have a test tomorrow.
No you're not!
Your eyes are open.
...No they're not.
Fine. Look, I'm getting up. All you have to do...
Rowan. pet me.
I need my hands to study.
I have to turn the pages.
Oh, please.
And write.
Yeah right.
Obviously you don't want it bad enough. So I'm just gonna go back to bed.
Night, Mom!

There was a lady who had a cat
And Danny was his name-o (Did you call me, Mom?)
D-A-N-N-Y (Mom?)
D-A-N-N-Y (What'cha doin'?)
D-A-N-N-Y (...Mom?)
And Danny was his name-o! (WHAT DO YOU WANT?!)

This is thriller, thriller night
And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike.
You know it's thriller, thriller night
You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight



So today I was munching on a little bit of jalapeño bread and, as usual, Dan and Rowan came over to beg for a nibble of what I was eating. "This should be good," I thought (yes, I am a terrible person, but I was hoping to give them a lesson in 'why we don't ask for mommy's food'). I offered Rowan a nice chunk of jalapeño. He sniffed it and turned away, so I offered it to Dan.

Not only did Dan gobble it down in two seconds - he jumped on my chair to beg for more.
So much for that.



Apparently it's comfortable.

Rowan's Daily Schedule

7:00am - Wake to Dan yowling for breakfast

7:10am - Attempt to open the door to rouse Mom so Dan will stop shouting for food

7:20am - Give up

7:30am - Race Dan to maul Mom for taking so long wish Mommy good morning

7:35am - Sneak into the bathroom with Mom. Beg for breakfast while she brushes her hair, etc. Take advantage of lap space during any toilet activities.

7:40am - Wrestle breakfast out of the confounded Kong "toy" slash torture device

7:45am - Get bored and leave the rest for Dan

8:00am - Intense nap training period begins

12:00pm - Break for intense bout of dustbunny hunting/chase Dan

12:01pm - Resume intense napping regimen

6:30pm - Interrupted by Mom's jingly door things. If in windowsill, continue napping. If on stairs, race Dan to door. If on Throne, sit up and stare menacingly. If under any object, remain in hiding until Mom freaks out and shakes the treat bag. Waltz out and accept Crunchies as reward for being alive.

7:00pm - Nap in front of bathroom door. Wait for Mom to get out of shower.

7:30pm - Lick Mom's legs dry because she wiggles and makes noises.

8:00pm - Human dinner. Look pathetic.

9:00pm - Greet returning humans. Look pathetic and hope for scraps.

9:01pm - Sulk

10:55pm - Sit on left side of Mom's laptop. Stare.

11:00pm - Wait for Mom to shut off reminder alarm. Move to right side of laptop. Stare.

11:05pm - Move to left side.

11:10pm - Move to right side. Get in Mom's face.

11:15pm - Move to left side. Try to get in Mom's lap.

11:20pm - Give up on Mom. Harass her boyfriend.

11:30pm - Cat dinner. Wrestle with the Kong again.

11:45pm - Take up residence where the laptop blows warm air out. Threaten to overheat Mom's computer if she doesn't start feeding earlier.

1:00am - Refuse to leave warm spot when kicked out for the night.

1:01am - Attempt to catch that doggone Red Dot.

1:02am - Hoodwinked agian. Locked out of both rooms. Next time, little dot... Next time.

1:05am - Intense wrestling session with Dan. Lots of loud noises.

1:30am - Secret kitty plotting time

2:00am - Bed time

Rowan: Mother.
Me: I'm studying, Rowan.
Rowan: I'm hungry.
Me: Dinner's not for half an hour.
Rowan: That's not what my stomach says.
Me: That's what the clock says.
Rowan: That unreliable metal thing? My biological clock is much more accurate.
Me: The answer is no, Rowan.
Rowan: Fine. I'm not talking to you any more.
Me: Finally.
Rowan: What?
Me: ...I didn't say anything.

Dan: Hi, Mom! I'm just... sayin' hi. On your desk. And uh, I'm gonna go back here, and say hi, and...
Me: Danny...
Dan: ..uh, 'mm jsss 'nna... yeh... oh, 'ookit 'mm taiwll... Baii, 'ommm!
Me: Dan! Get back here with that!
Dan (from the hall): I di'nn' ste'l thhh can'ny!
Dan (from the stairs): I DI'NN' TAEK 'T!
Dan (downstairs): I DON' HAEFF ITH!
Me: ...Give me that.
Dan: ...How'd you know?!

Me: Rowan, get down.
Rowan: No.
Me: Get down.
Rowan: Make me.
Me: *ominous looming*
Rowan gets off the desk and sits in my chair
Rowan: Thanks for geting up. I like your chair better.

Rowan: Hey, Mom. If I give you kisses will you feed us?
Me: Maybe.
Rowan: Okay... well... what if I come over here...
Me: Don't do it.
Rowan: And I knock this over...
Me: Rowan, don't you... hey.
Rowan: Well then feed me.
Me: I can't encourage that behavior.
Rowan: Ugh. You are impossible. Look, feed me or I'm going to chew on your straw again.
Me: No.
Rowan: And your magazine.
Me: No!
Rowan: And this thing, whatever this thing is. I'll do it, Mom.
Me: You are not going to be rewarded for chewing stuff up!
Rowan: I'll climb on the printer again. You know what happened last time.
Me: Rowan.
Rowan: Fine. But I'm going to sit here and be very unhappy in your face.
Me: Fine.
Rowan: Fine.
Rowan: Jerk.
Me: Brat.

20 Minutes Later...

Rowan: I can't believe you.
Me: I didn't do anything.
Rowan: That's the point.

10 minutes Later...

Rowan: I oughtta... I oughtta punch you.
Me: You can't.
Rowan: ...I can put my litter feet on you.
Me: "Gimmie gimmie" never gets.
Rowan: What does that even mean? ...Look, just. Just feed me, okay? I'm starving.
Me: You are not.
Rowan: I'm withering.
Me: You are not.
Rowan: Fine. I'll just go... over here... and waste away in the corner...
Me: Stop being so mellodramatic.
Rowan: ...and eat your boytoy's shirt because I'm desperate....
Rowan: FEED ME.


Aivilo says
...I think I need a third cat. That's the only thing that stands between me and official crazy cat person-dom.

Brit says
yeah you definitely need another cat or 12 ivi

Aivilo says
Rowan climbed on boyfriend's printer, and boyfriend was like "Rowan..." in THAT voice
So I was like. "Iz mai THRONE and I will not get OFF until I damz well wantz to."
Boyfriend picked up the airsoft gun, Rowan's eyes got big and he started to get up.

Brit says
omg hahahahaha

Aivilo says
This happens on a regular basis, rofl.

Brit says
that is awesome

Aivilo says
Is it bad when I have conversations with my cat?
"What, Rowan?"
eyesnarrow "You know damn well what."
"It is not dinner time."
"It was dinner time half an hour ago. Feed me."
"In a minute."
Dan butts in. "Nau. Nau."

Brit says
omg hahaha

Aivilo says
"Ugh. Mother. I am so disappointed." He won't look at me.
"You won't be saying that when you get crunchies."
"...I will not be bribed, Mother."
"I think you will."

Brit says
you're gonna write a book you know

Aivilo says
The Cat's Meow: Conversations with Rowan and Lieutenant Dan
or or

Brit says

Aivilo says
Mewsings of a Crazy Cat Lady

Brit says
you need to do this

HAHAHA. Was kind of

HAHAHA. Was kind of disappointed when I clicked on this and it was only two pieces of our conversation (so far).
I don't know why but I was expecting you to like, already have an archive of all yours and the boys' conversations or whatever stored in your documents.
I don't know how crazy of a cat lady you really are, Ivi, and it scares me
Aivilo's picture

lmao! No, I'm not that far

lmao! No, I'm not that far gone yet, I don't think. I'm only at the "800 photos on my phone and having conversations with them" level, I think.
ocean's picture

LOLOL. My cats can glare

My cats can glare something fierce. >n> Especially when I kick them off me/my lap... ._.

Tracking. Laughing out loud

This is adorable! I talk the

This is adorable! I talk the same way to my dog. >.>"" I would love to see this in the form of short comics.
Tracking! <3

LMAO omg ivi

LMAO omg ivi
keepspeeps's picture

Ty for sharing this cuteness.

Ty for sharing this cuteness. Lovely cats. Mine are rescues too.
e} Bump

Keeps loves Fay.

I laughed so hard reading

I laughed so hard reading these. Too adorable.
Aivilo's picture

x3 Glad y'all enjoy my crazy

x3 Glad y'all enjoy my crazy cat ladyness
DeerUniverse's picture

^^ they're so cute

^^ they're so cute
"Common sense is not so common." -Voltaire
HolyMaria's picture

(No subject)

<33 I love this
thank you for making it
*catladies together!* hehe