Wild Beast (Short Story - Critique please?)

Spooki's picture
Was writing a little something. Dunno if it's any good. And it's not very finished. Just looking for thoughts on it! Smiling Enjoy!

Under that cut C:

Light. Blinding, bright light. Thump! Ground. Warm, dry ground. Blink! A quiet, nasally lowing. Nudge. Nuzzle. Now, life.

Mother? The newborn calf lifted his damp head, and gave it a shake. He bleated, and quickly gathered his sprawled limbs to boost himself up. Wobbling, shaking, now staggering.

He became aware of a big black head watching him. Mother. And, in the blurry distance, a mass of many other wildebeests. But Mother was speaking.

"Stay up, my dear! Up on your hooves!", her voice called, sounding distant and dreamy. But comforting all the same. The calf struggled to comprehend the words. They flowed through his head fluidly and quickly, not quite making themselves clear.

Up...Stay up... the words echoed. He stood, still shaking, but stable. His vision was clearing. He could hear, and feel, and smell.

So many sounds, and sights, and the over powering smell of many like him and Mother. The calf was struck with a sense of vigor. He ran, and bounced, and pranced!

It was all so fast, too fast! Thunk! The little wildebeest rammed into his Mother's legs, and sprawled out on the ground.

"Ma...ma!" He cried. His fleshy nose was sore from the impact, and he was suddenly drowsy. The brightness of light had died down, it was dusk. His mothers warm, strong tongue licked his soggy pelt.

The calf started to doze to the metronome that was his mothers grooming. Blink... Blink... Dark. Sleep. Peace.

I love your use of short,

I love your use of short, descriptive words and sentences. It really makes me feel the emotion behind the text. Great job :3
Poppy's picture

I can't explain how much I

I can't explain how much I love this the words ahhhhh<33
theano's picture

Well done. You showed instead

Well done. You showed instead of telling. You painted a vivid pictures with words. Now you have to take the story somewhere. How are your characters going to grow or change?