Aww, poor little thing (I`m assuming it`s a child? If not, then I apologize.) I really like the way the you portrayed its confusion and terror, as if it didn`t quite understand the situation, but was frightened none the less. In addition, the way you worded it gave the story in its entirety an almost "panicked" atmosphere (not in a bad way, of course; it helped to emphasize the fast-paced and dangerous situation the characters were in)

Will definitely add some more advice, but right now I have to go out :c

Ah, sorry for taking so long. Was a bit busy today |D

While I liked the "rushed" sort of atmosphere you`ve put into your writing, I think some parts would be better if you described them just a bit more! c:

Take, for example, the following line:

"She`s [Ma] crying, in a loud-quiet sort of way."

While I believe I understand what you`re attempting to say hear (though if I`m not, I apologize), your description is just a bit vague. Though the basic nature of Ma`s crying is clear in this scene, it might be better if you elaborated just a bit more. Was she crying loudly, yet trying to restrain herself? Or was she mostly quiet, with the occasional loud burst? Now, I understand that you`re writing from the viewpoint of a child, who is clearly dazed and hasn`t a big idea of what`s going on. That`s perfectly understandable! However, perhaps you could use phases such as this whilst describing another character`s actions:

She`s [Ma] starting crying quietly, but her sobs are getting louder.

Or, if she`s trying to restrain herself:

She`s [Ma] trying hard not to cry loudly, but it isn`t working.

Now, if you want to describe the the events as they`re happening through the child`s eyes-which I can understand, given the fast-paced description prevalent in this story:

Ma`s starting to cry-she`s quiet one moment, and loud the next.

Now keep in mind, of course, that these are all just mere suggestions!

Now, let`s proceed to the way the sentences are worded. You did a great job captured the rushed and panicked atmosphere of the story, which I`ve mentioned before. However, I believe that some sentences might have been better if edited just a little bit. For example, the sentences immediately succeeding the one I`ve just analyzed:

"Incomprehensible, still. The entire situation."

Now, it`s easy to see what you`re-or rather, your character-is trying to say here. The situation is scarcely understandable to them. Yet separating the sentences makes the sequence in its entirety just a bit choppy. After all, these two sentences are basically two entities that make up an entire thought. The first sentence is leading directly to the next thought-so why not put them in a single sentence, rather than separate them? c:

For example:

Incomprehensible, still-the entire situation."

Here, the use of the hyphen (-) connects the two thoughts, without needing to put them into separate sentences. This way, you can still get your character`s viewpoint across without having to separate too much!

Or, if you want to word it in a different way:

"This entire situation-it`s still incomprehensible."

Now, there are a few more sentences that use this style (as in, separating the thoughts of the characters into two sentences.) For example.

"No. Not Ma. It is the vessel that falls."

Now, my focus here is going to be mainly on the first two sentences, with the third being used as reference. By the time the reader has indeed read the third sentence, it is clear to them what has happened. It is not Ma, but the vessel that has fallen. However, simply reading the first two sentences might confuse them just a bit-and this is because they are two different entities!

By using the phase "No. Not Ma." it almost seems as if the focus is wholly on the character`s viewpoint on Ma. However, what you are trying to do is describe that that vessel, rather than Ma falling away. This might confuse the reader just a bit-they might be thinking for a brief moment that the characters is thinking about getting back to Ma, rather than describing the vessel`s descent.

Now, say we choose to use the hyphen here instead:

"No-not Ma."

Or, for a more thorough description;

No-it`s not Ma."

By utilizing the hyphen, we have essentially connected a single thought-span together, whilst making your intentions just a bit clearer to the reader! The reader now understands that this sequence is describing the fact that Ma is not falling away, rather then the character does not want Ma to go.[i] (I hope I haven`t confused you here 8c)

Now....let`s see what else we can analyze! I might be jumping around a bit, sorry about that! |D

Alright- let`s take a sample from the middle of your story:

"We knew the risks...
...time had come...
Say farewell...
...Been a pleasure to..."

Now, I quite like what you`re doing here! You`re adding a level of ambiguity to the story that draws the reader in. What exactly is this that they knew the risks about? Etc, etc. Either way, it`s a great way to add mystery to your story.

What small qualm I do have about this little sequence, however, it the way it`s worded-specifically, the use of dots. Now, I`m not saying you should get rid of them entirely-in fact, it adds to the sequence. However, the fact that they are used prevalent here almost makes the sequence drag on a bit.

Now, let`s dice it up a bit-word it slightly differently, and eliminate some of those lil`dots!

For example,

[i]"We all knew the risks...the time has come...

Now, you`ll notice that I actually haven`t changed much here! In fact, all I`ve done is change "had" to "has." This has mostly been done under the assumption that your story is being told through present tense. The word "had" denotes past tense, while "has" denotes present.

Now, on to the next two sentence-where dots will actually be eliminated c8

"...say farewell; been a pleasure to...
Can`t comprehend...

Now, you`ll notice that I also haven`t done a lot here-mostly because I`ve been rereading that section, and have in fact realized that reason why you may have used the dots. It is clear that the captain is making a speech, and the dots represent the elapsed time between them. The only thing I have really done here is use a semi-colon (. Now, a semi-colon is used to connect two independent clauses-in this case, being say farewell and been a pleasure to. Of course, assuming that this two phrases are not delivered consecutively, it`s only natural that you want to use dots to separate them! However, let`s also consider the fact that this is being delivered through the viewpoint of a confused child. Now, it is only natural that they would only remember a few key phases amongst these speech-this, of course, being the two I have just analyzed c:

Also, note that the dots following "Can`t comprehend" are merely there to denote a continuation of said sentence. The third sentence is mainly there to illustrate the effect had by the edits.

Now, let`s wrap up the whole sequence in its entirety. In your story, each one is delivered on separate lines, succeeding the other. However, this may also succeed (no pun intended |D) in adding onto that "drag-on" effect, so to say. The reader already understands what is going on, and there`s no need to over-emphasize it! c8

So, let`s switch up the style of the sentences a bit, complete with previous edits:

"We all knew the risks....the time has come...
...say farewell; been a pleasure to..."

See? c: By putting this sequence into two lines, rather than four, we actually do a better job at portraying the feeling you`re trying to get out there! Rather than making it a bit choppy, we`re connecting the thoughts together, both through the use of lines and that handy little semi-colon.


Now, as for anything else...I think you`re mostly good. There`s just one more thing I want to analyze, and that`d a few of the sentences at the top.

So, let`s get to it!

"Blink."

Aha...well, I know it`s only one word, but let`s look at this anyway! I understand what you`re trying to say here-you`re denoting the action of blinking. So why not say "blinking" rather than "blink?" The word "blinking" would-as just mentioned-denote the action of blinking. Just the word "blink" seems as if someone is almost ordering your character to blink.

And that`s it, for now! I`d love to continue-I actually have one more thing-but I need to be up rather early tomorrow. Nevertheless, it was great fun analyzing this! I apologize if I came off as a bit confusing, and I`ll be happy to explain anything you don`t understand, if anything.

Over all, I think you`ve got potential as a writer! Though, I might have worded a few things differently, the story itself was still enjoyable and understandable, and a good read. Good luck with your future writings! ♥

It was my pleasure! Sorry for that italicized section in the middle or so there-I finished writing this at about midnight, and didn't check it over |D Either way, I'm glad you liked it! <3