May 26, 2012 - 1:47pm — Rutilus
MATURE WARNING
Some people are broken. That's just the way things are. I meet broken people every day and sometimes I want to fix them, sometimes I want to leave them to fix themselves. I look in the mirror and I see the cracks forming, and I wonder if one day I'll look back in the mirror and think 'wow, who is this broken man? Can't be me'. I look at my friends and I wonder why I can't be as whole as they are. But there's one broken man I know that isn't me, and I know he can't be fixed.
His name's Jim and I've known him for years. Met him on the music scene a long while back. He was a crazy motherfucker back then, always doing wild stuff, making the world around him shake and tremble in utter terror at the thought of what he might do next. He had no sense of self-preservation; he'd scream and throw himself into walls, he'd smash bottles against his own chest or over his head, he'd pick fights for the sake of it. Not once, back then, did I ever see him look scared.
This is two years later and he's a completely different person. We're in his livingroom - he lives in an apartment with his partner, Craig - and it's...tidy, but I know that's only because he knew I was coming over. He said I'd have to leave before Craig comes home, and that's alright with me, but I want to know why Jim isn't allowed outside. I know he's classed as insane. I was warned.
Jim isn't dangerous, though. He's just...scared. He's so, so scared; you can see it in his eyes, in the way he moves, you can hear it in his voice even when he's laughing. It's as if he doesn't understand the world around him, like he doesn't know that not everyone is out to hurt him. We used to have a laugh, him and me, shove eachother around...but I flinch when he pats my arm and he flinches when I pat his shoulder.
We both know we're broken, but I deny it; he doesn't. He can't. I have to, because to admit it to anyone would only break me further. Nothing can break Jim any further, though. I don't think he can be fixed. I can't even try. He won't talk about how he feels; it's always, 'how are you, Keith? where'd you get that bruise, Keith? you're limping, Keith, d'you want a cup of tea?' but when I ask him if the marks on his wrists are fresh he doesn't even bat an eyelash. It's like he doesn't hear me at all.
Sometimes people can't be fixed.
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okay so no-one even knows who Jim is HAHA :'D He's an old oc of mine, pretty much my oldest non-TEF character and...well, he's my baby, and he's mentally broken. I don't even remember when the cracks started to form but looking at what he is, and what he used to be...it's like two entirely different people. Sometimes I wish I could fix him and make him realise he's not a child and that the world isn't against him but, well...He's trying to get better, and it isn't working. Looks like him and Keith are in the same boat, ha - but Keith's a lot stronger, I guess.
Sorry for the humanspam. I know this shit is uninteresting to you guys -die-
Liking this.
A really nice little read...I
Hn, thanks, both of you.