How is she making you come home Quad? You're an adult, you don't have to follow her every whim! It sounds like you're really making some progress with your job search there, why not just stay (if you're welcome there), and follow those leads?

I know you feel loyal to your family, but you also have to look out for yourself. If you go back now, like you said, you're wasting all that time spent trying to get a job. However, with even just another couple of weeks, you could pursue those contacts and find your career.

Think how happy you've been meeting with these people and learning about the business! She may be your mother, but she has no right to destroy that happiness.

Stand up for yourself Quad, you're not worthless, you're not useless, but you're being held back when you could be making a name for yourself.

It sounds like your mom is just afraid to let go.

I painted a Japanese Tea Bowl the other day at my aunt's pottery shop, and I knew you guys would appreciate the artwork, so here's pictures:

Awesome!

I got a couple new emails today from some of the companies I applied to the other day. They forwarded my resume to their colleagues and HR firms, so hoping I'll hear something back soon. One was GZA GeoEnvironmental, Inc., which has offices in CT, IL, MA, ME, MI, NH, NJ, NY, OH, PA, RI, VT, and WI. Definitely hope one of their offices is looking for new employees

Well the medicine is definitely working. I'm not 100% yet but definitely feeling better. I still have 3 more days of the Z-pack and also ran to the store for some more supplies. I picked up some Mucinex so hopefully I won't have to blow my nose every 5 minutes like I have been. XD

Sorry I'm so late on the Advent Calendar, once I've gotten past this cold I'm going to work on finishing it up.

Also I wanted to share what I got for my birthday -

Mom gave me the book "Nelson Mandela's favorite African folk tales" and some money; My brother and sis-in-law gave me a GameStop gift card and the movie "Legend of the Guardians - the Owls of Ga'Hoole"; My aunt and uncle gave me a retro clock for my apartment; My cousin gave me a deer tin, some fancy pens, and some money; My aunt in Florida gave me a Starbucks gift card; My brother gave me a Starbucks gift card, the movie "The Pickle", the movie "Lupin the III - The Castle of Cagliostro", and a Portal Sentry Turret T-Shirt; Misty the cat gave me some reindeer cookies; Boo the dog gave me a reindeer PEZ dispenser; and Brandy the dog gave me the game "Doggie Doo"

I'm having an issue and I don't know what to do about it.

The other day I got a phonecall from one company that I gave a resume to in Mobile, they have an opening for a part time job. I ran it past Mom and my professors and everyone agrees that it would be a good idea to take it and get my foot in the door.

Well since then Mom has been pretty much convinced that I am coming home within the next few days. Even today she gave me a deadline.

I just sent off about 60 resumes in this area, and I understand that it being the holidays and all it may take time to even hear back from them. I also have not gotten the phonecall saying I am getting an interview for the job in Mobile.

I get the thing about my student loans looming in February, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being rushed.

*sigh* I don't really know what to do right now. At least I am still up here while I'm still sick, I will not get on the road until I've gotten this bronchitis cleared up. But after that, I don't know what to do.



It's like...she has no faith in me that I'll get a job up here...

So here's a quick update, I'm leaving Pennsylvania tomorrow. I will be stopping in Roanoke, VA, to visit a Buddhist center and attend some events they are holding tomorrow afternoon, and then I will be staying in Wytheville for the night. Then Wednesday I will drive to my brother's place in Georgia. I will stay there for a few days and then drive back home to Alabama on Friday.

You have dogs, right? Why not take them out for a walk... maybe to some nice quiet spot in the park? That's what I do. I enjoy reading (and drawing) in the park or at a nearby lake. You won't find a tv or computer at a place like that.

I do have dogs, but when I take them walking I'd rather not be reading at the same time, I think that would distract me too much.

I mentioned it to Mom and she came up with a pretty good idea. There's a corner in the back of our living room that has been used for storage, so we're thinking about rearranging some stuff and then setting up my book nook back there. I have a good lamp for lighting and a nightstand I can put things on, all I really need is a chair. I could even put a pillow down for Brandy to sit on while I'm reading. I could even make some tea and sip it while reading. And it'll be a good spot away from the TV and computer where I'll definitely be free from distractions.

I was so psyched about it that I put some books back there already, on the fireplace ledge.

Edit - PLK, good ideas but I don't have the best places for those XD. It's very humid here so sitting outside wouldn't be very comfortable, and also my attic sadly is extremely small, as in you have to crouch to be up there. If it were more spacious I would consider it.





It's a work in progress since I just have to move everything around

------------------------------

Aaaanndd finished! It still needs a little work, mostly need a rug and maybe a better chair, but using what I had already, it's pretty cool. I've got my Mayan Apocalypse coasters there to use to sip tea, and we put up the tapestry I got in Pennsylvania. What do you guys think?

If I'm not mistaken, that was one you suggested I read for my 'reading deficiency' thing. I got it and just never got around to reading it.

For a complete list of everything I have in that picture....

Skin and Other Stories by Roald Dahl
Bushido - The Way of the Samurai by Tsunetomo Yamamoto
Hagakure - The Book of the Samurai by Tsunetomo Yamamoto
The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling
Starship Troopers by Robert A. Heinlein
The Art of War by Sun Tzu
Feng Shui in 10 Simple Lessons by Jane Butler-Biggs
Everyday Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck
Peace in Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh
The New Meditation Handbook by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso
Taijiquan - Chen Taiji 38 Form and Applications by Ren Guang Yi
The Fire From Within by Carlos Castaneda
Totems - The Transformative Power of Your Personal Animal Totem by Brad Steiger
The Complete Tales and Poems of Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne
Nelson Mandela's Favorite African Folktales by Nelson Mandela

Just an update for today -

I'm not giving up on my dream, but rather...trying something else. My student loans are looming in February, so I'm going to try to get a job at a grocery store since that's what I know. I applied to one store that's 5 minutes from my house, but I'm about to go across Mobile Bay and try to apply at another store called Publix. Actually I will apply to two of the same store.

The reason why is because they're building two Publix stores in Mobile, so if I work at one across the bay they may send me to one of the closer ones once they're finished. It will be a 45 minute drive over there daily, but I'm actually kind of used to that sort of thing since it took 30-ish minutes to get to my college. Not a big deal.

So the plan either way is to get a job, save some money, and then try to take Chemistry 2 again. If I took it, I will not be taking it at my university (since I know now that the Chemistry classes there are aimed for professional chemists and not undergraduates who have it in their minor), so I will see if Ivy Tech is offering it, and if not, I will try to take it at Faulkner State, which is also across the bay.

With all this going on, it seems like all my answers are across Mobile Bay. There's even a Buddhist center in Pensacola!

*Nuzzles for Vala* Thanks for the encouragement XD

Okay today just went from great to awesome! I went across the bay and applied to Publix, and on the way back home I got a phonecall from a groundwater and environmental firm!! The person I spoke to was from an office in Madison, WI, and they have offices all over the place including Georgia, Pennsylvania, and Texas! I've gotta research the company a bit before I respond, but it sounds like an amazing company to work for! He said I could do anything from oil remediation to groundwater sampling to working on a landfill.

What the heck? Why are you leaving? ):

Quad! We love you here.

Don't make me sit on you. B|

This is me using humor when I don't know how to say what I mean.

You're not a waste of time Quad! You're one of those who truly make the forest worth going to!

!!!
D:
Don't leave us, Quad! We love you!

Quad, you have never once been a waste of time. Not a single thing is a waste as far as what do and post here. You've no idea the impact you have on this place, on the people here, especially those of us who have known you for a while. I'm not sure if there's something else going on in your life that would prompt you to think of yourself as anything less than an amazing person who constantly puts a smile on people's faces- on my face, but I know for sure you're not wasting anyone's time.
If there is something else going on, Quad, I wish you the best in figuring it out and sincerely hope you feel like you belong here again. I'll definitely miss you if you decide to leave, no doubt about that. The Forest just wouldn't be the same without you in it. If there's anything you want to talk about, my email's always open and I'd be more than happy to give you my cell number.

Quad; come to Madison WI, it's a great place. It is also where I live.

We can't continue without stuff like this;like the pictures/report of the Japanese tea bowl which you hand painted. You can't leave.. You're appreciated beyond what you know..

I'm sorry guys, I had a rough night when I did that and it was something dumb that set me off. This hasn't happened in a long time and I'm ashamed I reacted the way I did. I'm not leaving, I just have been trying to get back to 'normal' life at home compared to being in Pittsburgh like I have been for the past few months.

I'll try to get Quad back into the Forest when I can. I know I have been neglecting the game for a long time especially since I have been so preoccupied.

I guess if anything I'm just tired of waiting for things to happen. And I think what bothers me even more is that my cousin, the one that has been in his room for months, can somehow get a job within a day, and I can't?

I can't stop feeling utterly worthless. I had a discussion with my aunt the other day about how unfair it was that there's not a medal or a trophy for loyalty or hard work. I am jealous of people who seem naturally more fit than I am - those who were born strong or born smart. And I just...you work so hard to do the best you can and you still end up a C student. Average, mediocre, boring, worthless.

I hate this, I hate feeling like my only option is to give up on my dreams. I'm 27 and I feel like I've wasted my life waiting for a job. I've just now resorted to trying to get a grocery store job again, because I'm at the edge of my rope.

I'll try to find worth in this life. I'm not a quitter, that's one of the few strengths I know I have is resilience. I'm just so tired of waiting for my life to begin.

Was having a good day, got a bunch of things done today.

Mom came home. She asked if I had done one thing she wants done yet. I said no and that I would do it tomorrow.

She got angry that I hadn't done this one thing yet and spent about 30 minutes roughly saying I was fat, stupid, lazy, worthless, a mooch, and a hoarder.

Why do I even bother? Some days I feel like it would have been better if I was never born.

I was gone in Pennsylvania for 2 months, that entire time about every other day Mom tried to make me come home. When I finally decided to head back home, I got in the door, and was able to bring in a few things from my car before she made me 'sit down' so she could scold and criticize me. It was like making up for the 2 months I wasn't there.

She says I'm lazy. While I have been getting up later than I normally would, I spend a few hours every day to clean, straighten things up, do chores, and job hunt. It seems like everything I do goes unnoticed.

She acts like passing Chemistry 2 is a cakewalk. It's not. I've tried the damn class twice and can't pass it. But also now knowing I have an anxiety disorder as well as a reading deficiency can add to the reason why the class is so difficult for me. But of course in her eyes, those are just excuses for me being stupid.

She repeatedly implies that I'm a mooch because I don't have a job. I'm trying my damnedest to get a job, even have settled for trying to get a grocery store job. Since getting home I have applied to all the grocery stores in the area.

Every day I hear in one way or another that I'm fat and I need to lose weight. Since I've been home, I have been outside practicing with my martial arts weapons. I am also eating more fresh fruit than I have been. And you know...when you don't have the money to get better food than what we have, we kind of have to settle for eating what's available. When I am living on my own, I plan to cook and eat more quality meals, especially trying to eat as fresh of food as possible. It's not my fault that our choices of food is limited right now, and as a result, I can't seem to lose the weight that I'm desperately trying to get rid of.

And the hoarding thing...that is just downright insulting when she accuses me of it. She literally said, "And whether you accept it or not you are a hoarder". If I were a hoarder, I would fight to keep useless crap in my room. Yes, I know my room is messy, but I have already started to straighten it up. First off, I'm reading a book about Feng Shui. I am already addressing that I have some things that need to go, and am glad to let things move on. Secondly, I asked her today what she thought of me selling some old things on eBay. And thirdly, when I have my house I want a traditional Japanese interior, and I want to be minimalistic. I am not materialistic and honestly it offends me every time she accuses me of being a hoarder.

I am not a quitter either. I am incredibly hopeful that I will have the future I want. But it's become obvious that she has little faith in me and every time she attacks me like this I feel like a burden. I swear sometimes I don't know if she even loves me.

Sorry, I didn't mean to bring this all out. I thought she would have been proud of me for doing a few things she wanted done. I think she expects me to know exactly what will please her on any given day, and I'm sorry but I am not a mind reader.

So it's gone from "get a job in my career" to "get a job at a grocery store" to "just get a damn job already".


Just shows how little I'm worth if I can't even find a job that I have experience in.

I just got the "you have to have a job by monday or else" speech from Mom, so now I'm frantically trying to find some kind of job.

And I'll be honest, this isn't the reason why I'm so upset right now. I'm upset because by miscommunication I upset Mom by accident and she said I was a monster and that she was terrified that I was coming to kill her.

Tonight I honestly just don't have any sense of self worth. I can't think anything of myself tonight than 'monster' and 'worthless'.