May 28, 2012 - 12:46am — Seed
((Warning: Today Seed is both angsty and a bit more sweary than normal. Also, man, it's been a while.))
Saw Nevilly again today. She is lovely as ever -- her eyes are the same shade of blue, and this happiness she found on the other side of me has made them brighter.
I feel like I want to rip myself to pieces when I see her, because everything inside hurts. The envy, for Alain and for her, hurts like antlers crushing my skin. The loss, suddenly back like it was new, is sharp blade of lemon-grass and the fangs of blade-edged rocks.
And the love is a hook that will pull me into both of them, barbed to ever prevent my escape. Any time I try, I only end up angry -- maybe at her a little, but largely at the world, or myself. I struggle to escape, and it pulls me deeper. I see her on the hill, and I walk up as close as I can stand -- and it awakens that barb-mouthed heart of mine. I couldn't not go speak to her, having seen her. She lured me in with that sweet scent that moved me to poetry and to passion and to tears. She perhaps doesn't know it -- good. That's my one hope.
She's moved on. The world's moved on.
Why couldn't I be some strong thing with a heavy reek of must, crushing all in the path of my desires? Why couldn't I be someone worthy of love, of keeping it? Of her? Why couldn't I be someone who never met her, never hindered her on her way and never hurt her by falling short?
Why couldn't I be someone who could let love go? I know it's better to not love her, or to not love Payton, even. I'm not stupid, though I know I often am.
So why am I still like this, damnit?!
...I apologize, diary. I lost my composure a bit there.
It is always good to hear she's doing well. I met her daughter Dariah as well, and she was very sweet and charming. She reminded me of Complex, and we played a while. I'd like to meet her again, though... perhaps under less awkward circumstances. It's always nice to meet someone who seems to acknowledge you.
The three of us sat on a hill special to the two of them, and Nevilly and I caught up.
Same old story. Not much to say.
...I regret having seen her name in the distance. I regret having gone to see her.
I regret being so happy to have seen her doing well, all smiles. I regret regretting.
I regret being completely unable to live my life. I feel that for all people say they admire me, or what I do, that I am a pathetic piles of sobs wrapped in a shoddily-assembled mask of smiles.
She says I look like I'm doing well, and I'm a little relieved for that. On the whole, maybe I am. When I have company, I am happy. When I don't, I try to go back to sleep, so I don't have to be alone -- that's almost like coming to terms with being alone, isn't it (he asks, knowing he's wrong). Most days, I do not think of her, and I can be doing fine. The pains are largely quiet, subsided, relaxed, as it is with Payton. Memories go dormant, hibernating bears waiting for a bit of warmth.
Not always, but enough. Those are good times.
We talk my plans for a second scavenger hunt. I do not tell her that I have thought of written a poem in the place where we became something more than friends, though I don't know what it is I'd write. Poetry of lost love seems to be on my mind, since I have other spots like that.
Until she leaves, I do not compose this. Until she and Dariah leave, I do not let myself feel bad. Or, well, I try.
And then Myszka comes running up, all cheer. I've met him a few times, and he's always a good bit of fun. He's a friend, though I can't say I know him all that well. I follow his lead, and lose myself for a while in running. Not thinking, only turning, jumping, comes at me like a rush of cool air. I am thankful to him for this silence, the inflamation going down until I can say goodbye, get some sleep.
The river will wash away my dreams, and I'll not be able to find them in the morning, dissolved into the water and sunk to the bottom. The fish will gobble up my dreams, and find the lingering taste of them. I hope I'll not know what they are, tonight. I hope to find good times again soon.
Oh dear lord. This is amazing
I must repeat how much I loved the amount of feelings here. Wonderful. Breathtaking.