The Diary of Seed, 1-1-13 | The Endless Forest

It feels like the stars are falling. Not the ones that are actually falling, dangling on their strings, like some sort of slow-spinning mobiles, bouncing in and out of sight, rising from the ground to some sort of heavens. I mean the pole star, in its silent direction. I mean the stars I always looked up to when I was young. I mean the constellations, pictured in days past...
Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

This morning, I had a fun time welcoming the new year. I sat on a giant tulips for a moment with Herla -- perfect aim, I should add, making a proper stack of it... Until Vala came up, surprised at how high up we were. I got down, and the two of us enjoyed the celebratory fruit that hanged in place of pinecones, and we ran about. When I lost track of Vala, I went and sat with Verve, and we enjoyed the sight of the falling snow on the birch's reddened ground...And, eventually, I went to sit with Moss and eventually Saosin by the river, and watched the sun turn Moss gold. After that, I was out for a while...

And then I heard that Walter, out of some stupid misplaced jealousy, had attacked Lemon yesterday. My sister, who, understandably, wanted no more to do with him. And me?
...I was out of patience with it. With having to forgive and apologize and excuse for someone who never once did any of that for himself. And...
I have to protect my sister, emotionally if I fail all else. When we became a family, I promised inside to stand with her against the world if need be, and for her make the world my enemy. I cannot stand by someone who hurts her.
It wasn't entirely for her sake, though. I...I want to be a good person. And there are times I know that to some extent, standing by Walter when he does what he does, without apology (some of it, I really think he can't control) and without admitting he's wrong... I know that's not something I can do and still call myself a good person. Even if it means doing another thing a good person does not do, and abandons what he loves -- but doesn't he, too, turn his back on what he loves?
The frail senses of loyalty and guilt always fought where Walter was concerned -- and today, loyalty was outmatched by loyalty itself.

So I went to Walter, and I said what I wanted to say. Mostly. Except...
I remember those days, when things were light and easy. When we could just be happy, and occaisonally unhappy, but without hurting anyone seriously or killing anyone or raping anyone...
I remember when I watched him and 21 dance, and thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world, the thing I've tried to emulate ever since. I wanted something like that, something graceful and powerful and pure.
These moments still grip me. They still belong inside me, filling up my soul with the color and scent of days gone by. Today, they sit in my heart like a stone, crushing the breath in my lungs. The past is an incubus, pulling me in with love and stealing my air. But other times, they kept me warm. And other times, they made me laugh, or made me forgive...

The person who I shared those with...That person will always be precious to me. When he can be that person again... When he can even just *try* in something like a consistant fashion... I'll be really happy, then. Maybe I can get one last miracle from the gods for it, but...
It sounds a little unlikely to me, but...Maybe he'll see that, too. Please. Please.

After that, I went to my bridge, and I wept. I wept for him, and myself, and all of it. This stupid mess that's my life. I cried for missing Sage, and wanting someone to come and make it all OK.

And that's when I noticed Nevilly, some distance away. Watching....I felt so foolish and so ashamed. I wanted to go out and say hello, but...I think if I did that, I'd have only cried harder. I'd have made myself look so, so foolish. I'd have put worries on her. I couldn't do that...
So I stayed, feeling guilty, watching her watch me.

Then Scape showed up, for the first time in what feels like ages. I ran up, and explained everything to him as best I could (was that explanation "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh"? Maybe a bit, with some additional incoherant rambling and inelegant blubbering). I always feel safe, letting out my feelings to Scape. If he thinks I'm a burden, he'd never do anything to say so...And...I know he doesn't, because he could cry for a year and I'd not think him a burden.
When I calmed down a bit, we went for a walk. I didn't have a destination, I just wanted to be moving. We stopped for a while when we reached a large crocus by the ruins. There we rested for a while, looking at the brightly-colored flower, collecting snow in its cool, curved petals...
And there Walter found us. He was more sad than angry, which...Surprised me, actually. I was prepared to weather assaults via useful application of the forest's unique physics. But no, he was...I think he was sorry, and I was relieved to see it, and saddened that it came to all of this. I wanted to tell him...I wanted him to know...
I can't accept his apology until he apologizes to the people he's really hurt. But...I'm more dissapointed in him, than mad. I wanted him to know that, too. If I could change the path history has taken...I would have. I'm not his enemy, even if I cannot bear to be his friend.

When I saw Lemon and Malik in the distance, I guided Scape and I to join them in the Old Oak, where I saw Lemon hiding from the cold last. Malik left soon -- later, we'd find he'd left to go harrass Walter -- but Lemon and Scape and I sat there, in some sort of odd chain of comforting efforts.
And then Sage showed up. I felt so relieved. It's been a while since I'd seen her, and I was...Well, I didn't think she'd left, or anything, but... With my history, can you blame me for worrying? Her presence spread across my inflamed heart like a balm; calomine lotion to my itch, water for a desert sun.... Even if things are a little rushed, I was thrilled to introduce her to Lemon, and vice-versa.
With all that patience I admired, she settled down with us, too...

Until I made the mistake of noticing Malik chasing Walter. As much as I wanted to keep out of it... I'd be a hypocrite if I cut ties with Walter for dissaproving of the way he handled his violence, and not step in to stop violence against him. So I went to the ruins, where Malik had Walter cornered in a hole. I asked him to leave, tried to stop him, tried to explain how saddened and frustrated I was...
But I don't think I communicated it well. Certainly, he showed no signs of stopping taunting Walter. I just want people to be peaceful. I just wanted him to go back to being with Lemon in the tree -- isn't that what really matters? When he wouldn't, I gave up and returned to what I felt mattered.

Of course...Then Lemon decided to see what was happening. I couldn't dissuade her, so I followed....
And as Scape and Sage arrived, I tried to express myself one last time...And let them handle things, watching in case of trouble. What things they said or wanted to say...I don't know. With Scape and Sage with me, and feeling guilty for troubling them, I lingered by the ruins; not for Walter, though I was relieved to see him leave the hole, but for Sage and Scape. Lemon and Malik went off by themselves, and I hope she can recover her spirits, and thought she might like to do so without me. It's been a stressful time, after all...
So I stayed with them. After a time. Scape got up and tried to cheer me up...And I figured it'd be a shame to miss the opportunity. I threw myself into a dance in the cage with all my spirits, forcing a smile in the hopes of adding sincerity to it. We eventually settled back down by the sleeping Sage, but I was glad to dance with Scape alone; some boy time, you know?

When Ourania showed up, things began to return to normal. Sage woke up, and we focused, for a time, on just being happy and goofing off. We even danced among the stars, at the top of the cage. I felt the worry, little by little, slide off my shoulders, for now, my smile become a bit less false as we danced, shining gold amongst the sparkling star and the dazzling mirrors of the falling snow. I'm grateful.

But this is so incredibly long already. I'll close with my thanks to my friends...And my hopes that tommorow bring something brighter.