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((Well, apparenly Seed's not too talkative today, so allow me to link you back to Seed's Poetry Corner Where you can also go read some other poems))

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It's over. It's over. She's gone to find better things. A better stag. I knew from the moment I met her, you know...I warned her... That I wouldn't be good enough. Sooner or later, she'd see that.
I thought I'd be more prepared, knowing that.
...I hope she'll be happy. I hope she'll find a better stag than me, who'll love her stronger and purer and better. I hope she and him will raise a lot of fawns together, the way she wants.
The way she wants more than me. Really, it makes perfect sense. I didn't deserve her. This is just the world falling to balance. Like... Like... I'm sorry. I can't come up with a simile today. I'll try harder.

I don't recall right now exactly what I did then, when all the choices were made. I think I ran for a while, beating my hooves out against the ground like the pouring of rain, my world so hot with loss that I'd have welcomed real rain. Or maybe I broke something, smashing up stones in my hooves, more and more until my breath couldn't take it, thundering the rocks breaking like hearts or crumbled cheese. Certainly, something was broken... And when I came to myself, head pressed against the cool stone bridge, my hooves were hot and sore.

Then someone came and worriedly gave a bow, and when I sat back down (I cannot refuse a greeting from someone who greets me, no matter my mood. No one should waste their time on my feelings.), she sat down with me. I sat by the birdge with that mini doe, until she had to leave.

Then it was all restlessness, trying to find a place where I could be alone. After all, there are people in this world -- I think -- foolish enough to have good opinion of me. And because, in the end, my heart doesn't matter. That's clear enough, isn't it?

I tried sitting underwater and in flower patches, and both times, I let myself to thing... That if I just sat there long enough, if I didn't move for long enough....

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Today, I awoke to find Walter, Gustiro, and Illrose (who I've been seeing often recently; I'm glad to make her acquaintence more) about. To my relief, and to the ease of my heart, Walter was in a good mood, especially when he saw me coming up. I appreciated the welcome, and to see his good side showing. Just like when it comes to drawing, the good side's the handsomest one, if he's curious. We messed around with Gustiro for a bit, before Walter had to go...

And then, as if waiting to lure me out, came Complex. I don't think I've seen her since my wedding -- over a year ago! And, of course, she was completely unprepared for being back. Somewhere along the way, she had lost her set. It was up to Illrose and I to get it back...And what a challenge it was. We had to change places to get the pelt spells from quite a few times. I swear, the forest's magic has its favorites, and my favorite pelt is not one of them. Still, no matter how long it took, we got the set together. She looks very much like her mother before she gets her pelt on... I... I may not have told this story, or perhaps I tell it every time I see her: I certainly think about it. But, on Peyton's doe day...All those years ago... When we were getting *her* set together... We ended up momentarily creating a combination like the one Complex has. That was the moment I realized I loved her, how absolutely stunning she looked in my pelt. And maybe it's because she's as infrequently-appearing as her mother was, but I always think that. It probably sounds a little creepy, but it's a string moment -- a moment that stretches across my body, and every now and then something will pull it taut and send it vibrating, ringing with love, in my soul. It's why, even if I wanted to stop loving someone, I can't. It's part of my living core, the fibers that make up my heart.

After that, we all sat down and eventually Illrose wandered off as Complex fell asleep.

((This is a gift-poem for Kaides. Sorry if it's not quite to your liking, Beaumont: it was the first idea that sprang to mind. I can try again...))

[=#006400]This morning I awoke and sat down for a while with Alain and Waarhijd in the Birch Forest. I've been feeling melancholy recently...Like all the things that mattered once have fled, somewhere out of reach, and I'll strugle for their shadows for a while still. Nostalgic, maybe, is a better term. Just lonely, and aware I've no one to blame but myself...And unsure how to fix it. I don't want to be a burden to anyone, asking for their attentions...Or to come off as a stalker by asking when I might have better luck finding them...

I mulled these things over, sitting with Alain and Waarhijd. There are times I quite like sitting, but I think my mind has to be calmer for it. Today, as I sat, my brain just turned over and over unhappily, like a kaledscope where every bead is painted black, so no matter how it turns, it only changes the pattern in the darkness, lit by the mirror's shine.

Eventually, I spotted Virgil in the distance. I think he's around this section of the forest as much as he used to be. I don't know. What I do know is that he was with Kauna, who the trees quickly informed me had been having a hard time of it; thanks, captains of the obvious. I never would have guessed that the doe with festering wounds was perhaps not in the best of shape... Of course, I wouldn't say that to them. I know they meant well.

I joined Virgil in cleaning off her wounds and greeting many of the well-wishers that arrived at some point or another. She and I got to talking, admitting that we didn't actually talk much -- she seemed a little surprised, pleasantly, that I and so many others had arrived. It always is more than you'd expect, the people who flock to you in troubled times. Eventually, in-between dancing with fawns and nameless deer, we all had a sit-down in a big line.

[=#006400]The wheel of fate is turning, as another revolution spins its way around and around. Last year was up, and before that it was down: it's the swirling pattern of summer, the season where fate decides its course, where the wheel stops and see what's engraved on it.

She asked me if we still had a future. Today she told me that I hurt her, never seeing her enough. Today she said a lot of things, starlight tears clouding the skies of her eyes, blue and jewel-like as the pond, and just as wet. And just as likely to make me feel like an absolute toad, for giving her reason to say those things. I love her, and I'll fight for whatever it takes to make her happy -- so what did that make my defense of us? Because I had to.
I still love her, too much to go gently into farewell. I'm too selfish for that, and... And because I didn't know if she wanted my permission to go, or my permission to say. I know what she says, but what she meant?
We both ended up going off to think, in tears. I pulled myself together enough to sit by Saosin. I'll have my answer tommorow.
It's my fault. I've been away too much. I haven't done right by her...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, fortuna, spin me to a place where no one will be hurt by me! By my sloth and my wanderlust and my selfish heart...Spin me somewhere where I'll be safe, too, and never have to imagine her saying farewell, forever, with a heart full of love.
Please. I can't stop thinking of it.
...And, of course, the moment I see Terrant coming towards me -- probably looking for an amusing evening -- I go and pull him into this. Poor Terrant. He seemed so surprised. In the end, my heart couldn't keep going, and the moment I saw the warmth of his face, the old nostalgic carefree feel of that strange and quiet birch-dweller, my heart folded like a house of cards, and I was overcome by tears. He let me sit next to him and cry into his fur, until Scape showed up.

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I woke up and ran into Dag, who then ran off to find another: Lacy, I think? The trees can only tell me that 'not having CSS is not an excuse for not having basic identification' and grumbled about it. I have no idea what they mean. I don't take it when they grumble like that very seriously: no, they're the angriest when they aren't rustling, whispering, dropping leaves and pinecones with the weight of thought... We had a bit of play, where we all tried out our silly walks. It's been a while since I moonwalked as competitively as I did back there, head high and footsteps exact as I curved, not daring to look behind me for fear of breaking the effect. There's something marvelous to it -- going back by making the motions of going forward. Haa. Dag seemed quite amused, and as rarely as I see many of my friends -- and as often as I worry if they care for me still, because of that, and how more often I wish I knew how to resummon older, denser times the way you cast a spell, or I pull words loose from my mind and linger my tongue over the ideas like they were pulled teeth -- I was delighted to please him.

Then we all settled to the side and rested in a sunbeam: unlike yesterday, it wasn't an unusual sunbeam. I can't think that the sunbeam itself meant something -- but perhaps it did, and perhaps by sitting in it we blasphemed it. How would we know the difference?
...I guess I am still thinking of yesterday. For all our petty worries and squabbles, there's a nobility to this place, sometimes. And a sadness.

I've been thinking about things I can do to help myself get more into the swing of things, something I've grown to have a bit of a problem doing. I love the sense of community TEF can foister...But sometimes, I just don't feel a part of this, which inspires me to be on less and shorter, and post less, and so on. I feel uneasy asking for help from people, so I'm going to reverse-engineer the thing.

TLDR, I'm trying to think of things to encourage my deer to stay on longer, when normally I'd just say 'no one I know is on' and log off: a routine that they need to go through, hopefully crossing paths with a deer I can play with, before I can log them off.

Here's my thoughts so far:

Seed: Wake up, get a drink from the idol and a little shower, collect fresh flowers, run a loop around the forest/do a little poetry

Hyacinth: Collect fresh flowers (this really needs expanding)

Witch: Get one shape-shift spell, find some shmuck to cast it on. Tea?

Any Suggestions? Any of you have things like this that I may learn from or that you'd just like to share?

I'll be going out of town for...eh, about 5-6 days. Nothing special: just a little trip to the beach. But the internet there's kinda bad, so I'll probably be completely out of action.

This is just a head's up!

I'm not as familliar with the character, so tell me if I need to re-do it. Hope you like it, Honeyfur.



((This was a Gift-Poem for Honeyfur.))