[ darkness in the heart of my love ] for you

Personal Shadow work.
Working on healing.
If you read, forewarning I curse.

. Song

So many fucking memories.

This place is so bittersweet to me. I find myself swinging into this community every so often. Looking and reading at what those that are here are doing. Crying as I type this because this place truly holds so many good and bad memories for me.

I’ve started doing shadow work in my practice so I can heal the little bits and pieces of me so I can grow. Healing is hard work and this place has been a wound I keep picking at and opening up. 14 years ago I found my way to this place and this place was truly somewhere I felt I belonged.

Trapped in a loveless marriage. Gaining weight from pregnancy and struggling with my body image. Slipping into a depression because of everything I was being forced to endure. Sometimes I took that out on people, especially here.

I have made some very bad decisions and a part of growing up and healing is accepting that.
I can’t change the past. No matter how much I long for this place to be what it was for me back then.

I remember everyone. V, Tally, Density, Kaori, Hreath, Ravynn, Jorg….Everyone.

Like the silks of spider webs I can trace my memories back to so many amazing moments here. So many amazing people here who had no idea what they would mean to me. Regardless if I ever told them, or how things ended up between us, I look back, pull the lines of my memories and the love that I feel for those moments makes me weep.

To fully heal I know what I have to do, but I need to leave this before I do it. I need to write this out, opening those doors to the shadow of this place to embrace the version of me that stayed here and who still holds on to this place. The one who’s still holds onto those that were her friends that are no longer.

And then maybe, I can finally say goodbye for good. To the version that no longer serves me.