[ all your rage, all your pain, & I ain't talking ] about forgiveness

Personal Shadow work.
Working on healing.
If you read, forewarning I curse.

***TRIGGER WARNING: SA/Physical abuse is mentioned

. Song

I treated so many people here terribly. All because of my own issues in my life or formed ideas about them from interactions. A part of my shadow work is acknowledgment in the fact that I was not a good person. Did I have moments when I was? Absolutely. However the the times here, I was in a time and a place where I was more often than not a terrible individual to others.

I have a goal in my shadow work to break the generational curses in my family so that my kids can have a better mother. Break from the way that I was raised, because it was not as “great” as I was lead to believe it was. So I’m doing so, I have to break past these barriers I put up. Stop saying “I was a good person” when in actuality I wasn’t.

I bullied others because I was insecure, jealous, angry. Gods was I so angry. The rage I have had within me has been the center of my being. From SA from my biological father, neglectful but also not neglectful mother, alcoholic stepdad, bullied from elementary to HS, SA during high school, a loveless marriage, unexpected weight gain from pregnancy (and being unable to lose it).

All contributed to my rage within because I was never allowed to voice my emotions. No one listened to me. No one took the time to try to know me. No one ever helped me. I was always alone. Everyone always left me. No matter what I did, in my eyes I wasn’t “enough” for anyone. I didn’t know it back then when I was here but I was undiagnosed with having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and Anxiety as well as High-functioning Depression (PPD).

Even though I have mental health issues, does not negate the fact of how I treated others nor is it an excuse. I acknowledge that. Coming to know who I am I also have to acknowledge the cards I was dealt mentally and physically due to my situations.

My past traumas did not give me the right to take it out on innocent people. And I am so sorry to those that I did.

I was a lesser version of myself and did not see any issues with myself. I acknowledge them now and see the hateful, rage filled person I was.

I am sorry I treated you like that.

I know I can not expect anyone to accept my apologies.
I know I can not expect anyone to want to know my side.
All I can do is put it out there and open this door to that shadow of me.

And that’s enough for me.

And at the very least, I can only hope I give someone I have harmed the knowledge that I am ashamed of how I treated them and apologize.