November 12, 2008 - 1:21am — Shiori
The old poetry is dead.
Yet still pretty words leave my lips far more readily than the sour bile that is my thoughts.
Each pang, each throb of soreness in my heart brings a shame so bitter and deep that I feel not like a grown stag, but a small child, curled and trembling, alone in the dark, afraid of shadows…
What reason have I for such a manner? So many petty excuses come to mind, but my Reason alone knows no wrong done to me to warrant such emptiness.
Shame, come upon me like a torrent, rip me to pieces, or find those that you can left of my torn soul and shred them more so.
Such an ungrateful wretch…this is what I should feel, yet the abyss is strong, drawing me deeper in, and illusions fool me as they flicker in the dark. Like the drunken nymphs of Pan I dance in a frenzy around the Demon Piper, too flushed on the heat of unfounded sorrow to see clearly the edge I teeter on…
Hungry eyes watch from the depths. Watch me struggle to hold on and question my fall. Demons, impulse lead me to accuse, fowl villains awaiting my demise with eager, thoughtless eyes. The shadows would not allow me to see them as they were…friends, distant and lost in their own lives, but friends none the less. What a fortunate being I am to have as many, to have such watchful caregivers…yet what my Reason knows, my darkened heart still has trouble to grasp. Friends whose troubles match my own and yet they remain intact. No thanks to I, their friend in turn, their proclaimed ally in darkness run scared and left them alone. Yet they beckon me now, hearts open and loyalty vowed; like saints, blessed angels of mercy come down to hell to forgive a sinner’s wrongs.
But the sinner hasn’t repented just yet.
The realization of a wrong seems to have little correlation with the seizing of it. Like the blind my mind remains intact, and while I can picture the world around me I can not truly see it as it is. This…plague of mine has anchored itself deep, feeding off any glimmer of hope, excreting sorrow, poisoning my every emotion, every memory, ambition and dream…
Did I ever have these things?
I can’t honestly remember…
I do not know the cure. I thought I could wish it away…that smiles, leaps and bounds would sicken my darkness and chase it from my veins. That if I proclaimed love and new friendships, that would be enough to banish it. But the same old question remains…how can one love another when they feel not a trace of love for themselves? And not only love, but anything at all that is not abysmal in nature. Only fear. Only anger. Only loneliness. I am but one deer…the rest have faces I can’t seem to recognize. They talk of me…they loath me. ‘What’s wrong with Darcy now’ they ask, voices full of irritation, sending tremors of shame through my bones, fueling the heat of anger rising to my cheeks. Yet like a good creature of darkness I retreat into my hole, letting the poison flow, hating on, in silence…
It is the silence I wish to break now…and only that. If you came upon this memoir hoping for an answer, an ending, some great truth revealed…I feel I have disappointed you yet again. I ask my human to account for these words only to satisfy the needs of those closest to me who ponder if I have a voice left to speak for myself…
I can promise nothing of myself, not until the end…if ever it comes, and in which form I cannot say.
Struggling on,
Darcy.
Aww... poor Darcy... I kinda
I think that's just the way they will always be, unless they find that one thing that finally breaks the chain of that dark cycle.
NEVER STOP BEING AWESOME
Your writing is so beautiful. Makes my heart cry and my skin chill. S' good stuff. I already said I have to run, or else I'd give a proper comment. Perhaps when I return. -fleewave-
I'm quite familiar with that
Back to Darcy...pobre deer. I hope that he is able to feel better eventually. That the depression he is in allows for him to part, that it doesn't solely desire to clasp its hands around his legs and disallow any attempt at escape...
*runs off*...
Zab: I really hope
Rowan: I'll try! XD Thank you...I just got done watching Romeo and Juliet...the one with Leo DiCaprio in it? -giggle- That probably helped a little bit XD
Anzel: That's what I was aiming for, yes....TO CONFUSE AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE WITH MATAPHORS :3 hehe Anyways, thank you...he appreciates it...or he will...one day XD
Darcy needs to eat some
Me think you and I have something in common, but I dare not say what.
And this is completely random: Back when Anzel was near Darcy on the back-up server day, I'm sorry I kinda saddened you. I have a good guess as to what happened. Lo siento...
Heh, I've always thought he
Hmm...I'm not sure which instance you're talking about. I know he got a bit sad when she kept running away from him a couple times at some point. He has serious abandonment issues @_@ No idea where they came from but POOF there they were.
Ehh, nevermind it...sorry
-smooch- -shaceshuttle'd- lol
-shaceshuttle'd-
lolhaidarcyI'mspamming -hug-.