October 15, 2012 - 4:54am — Seed
Life! Life already falls into its patterns of birth and crowds and rushing joy, sunlit forest days in a break from the seasonal fog and the seasonal mad rush to the grand zombie's side. I rejoice in it, after my recent ordeal. But I admit...I'm also a little stunned by it. My body's not as it was -- I sense the light in my leaves and feel the fur of my underbelly on my wooden legs. Between that and the rush of company again, I'm feeling a little dizzy...
So today, I resolved to take it easy. I saw Walter -- or his ghost, or his phantom, or what-have-you (now that I've been dead, I still don't know what it is to be a ghost.) I know at times my feelings are conflicted about Walter, but I'm happy to see him again after so long, even as a shade. I hope he'll be back again soon -- and hopefully in a more peaceful state of mind than the one that keeps earning him his death. And I sat with him and Ravynn on the Red Hill. I think Ravynn meant to compliment me on my new appearance with her comments -- I wasn't really sure. Perhaps she was just meant to tease, pointing out that with more of my heritage (of sorts) in my appearance, I'm more suited to the name 'Seed.' But I never knew if I was or not before; it's my name. It's merely a part of me.
I couldn't tell if there was still a birth or an after-birth going on downhill from the Red Hill, where the berries collected like water in the lowerst point, and just as blue. Most of the crowd seemed, in my dreams, to be elsewhere. I was so relieved to be alive, among safe friends...I mostly slept the day away by them, until I was left alone, and surrendered myself to a deep sleep.
When I woke up, I saw Sage. She was so happy to see me, when I first saw her by the water...Her bright blue eyes were tinged with the beginnings of tears, shining like stars in the black night of her lashes...I once compared her shape, hidden behind my own words, to a bright red star.
When I saw her like that, I remembered...All sorts of things. I remembered that she was with me there, in the dark. Lots of deer were, and I thank them all.
But when I was dying, I thought...I felt...That of all the regrets I had, not saying I loved her was the deepest. But until that moment, I'd never thought of it like that. Does that mean I loved her all along?
The past few months, she's been the deer I see most, my most common companion. And we always have fun, and I feel with certainty that when I speak, she understands my meaning, and I hers.
Did I love her, even then? Or did I only love her as I was dying, feeling the regret of dying without love? Is the uncertainty I feel now love denied, or just confusion? If I love her...Should I follow it? Again?
But no, this is not my day. I met her friend Donovan, and a deer named Shimmer (who at first was quite nervous; I must make a strange sight, now!)...And we all sat together for a while. I tried not to stare at Sage too much, and eventually distracted myself with re-setting Shimmer...Until the excitement overcame me and I collapsed. I suppose I'm still recovering.
I need to see my other friends, and thank them one-by-one. It's something I won't be settled until I do...In the meanwhile...I think I will write. A series, based on something I once thought to say to her. And as I meet people and see her again, and try to understand it all...I'll write. I'll use my poet's heart, which I trust beyond all else to move me automatically, to fill me with blossoming instinct, straight from my heart....And see where it guides me.
I'm glad to be alive; there was far too little chances to solve my problems with poetry, in death.
