September 29, 2008 - 4:40am — Shiori
Dear Wyvern…
I sit here by the pond, looking at my own distorted reflection, thinking over all that I’ve accomplished…and realizing I have too much extra time afterwards. My thoughts empty, leaving only doubt, bitterness, darkness of all sorts. If I were to change tactics and ponder all my mistakes instead, perhaps then I’d feel whole again, gluttonous on fool’s errands and poor judgments. What have I learned? What do I still need to understand?
You may think that…that I didn’t- that I don’t- care about how you feel about me. I admit, at the time I didn’t want to believe it, and in turn, didn’t want to care. I thought that was the cause of all my trouble, caring too much, and I began to despise that part of myself. I thought I could wish it away; close my eyes tight and hope some alternate reality would surface. Even then though, I could not shake the actions of a fool, a part I play extraordinarily well, it seems.
I ramble. The fact is I do care…I care very much. Your confessions and your…stubbornness? What else could it be? They’ve stayed with me. I still can’t understand them, but they’re they are, haunting me.
Heh…I remember the thing that drew me to you most was the fact that, well…-laughs- you were the first doe to truly put up with me. Simple enough, my young mind needed little encouragement, and ‘just friends’ felt like so much more in those play-filled summer months. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I still don’t, but I do know that even now…you’re the only one who seems to put up with me. I can not conceive why, but there you are. You’ve had every right to bitterness, to be rid of me, and yet you’ve gone a whole new direction, an unmarked road I hesitate to follow down.
And yet, I address this confession to you.
Perhaps I have a weakness for temptation. No, I know that I do…I believe everyone knows it now. How to trust an individual such as that? Well, I’d like to think it’s old news. ‘Old Darcy’ has had his chance to surface, and while the mask is worn well, the thing behind is just as hollow as ever. It is hard to heal a heart with loneliness. Atiq, Reetno, Kumiko…none of have been about. When they have, I feel like the outsider…like everyone is watching me out of the corner of their eye, but not really paying attention. ‘Old Darcy’ has tried to make amends, prancing about, and it seems to have worked…anything to put their minds at ease. I am contented, but that is all.
But you, Wyvern…I don’t feel the same when you’re about. I feel appreciated, watched over. Perhaps it is only your affections that have haunted me…silly, since I really do not know if you still feel the same. I know that…others have professed their own feelings towards you, and I do not know what you have decided. Part of me knows, deep down, that you should have accepted their offers and forgotten about me. I wanted so badly to believe that that’s what I really wanted…
What I wish to ask, Wyvern, is…inconceivably selfish. I can think of no justification that doesn’t cause me shame. I’m sorry. I’m sorry a millions times over. I’ve done such cold things to you, I’ve torn both our hearts to pieces, for some little…little…-deep breath- Oh earth…why must you be so solid beneath me? Open up and swallow this wretch before he says anything more. My words seem like fertilizer for pain, which has kept me silent upon my return to the forest…horribly silent. So much I wish to say ad yet so unworthy I am to say it. Reetno has lost a helpful big brother to a stag who cannot help himself.
I want a second chance.
I want to…BE someone again.
I want far too much -sigh-
I’m in too deep to back out now, I suppose. Best to get it over with. I beg of you one thing, and I humbly ask another. I beg that you be honest with yourself, Wyvern. I beg you think only of yourself, of your wellbeing, and your heart when you consider this.
Wyvern…will…will you go out with me?
Wyvern: Darcy...you are much
Aye, to others, this may seem silly, for, yes, there were days that I had tasted jealousy and nights that I had cried myself to sleep. But, what would life be if goals were so easily achieved, love so quick and affected? Rather boring, I imagine.
Things in life are not perfect; there are always obstacles along the way, darting our paths with trials and temptations. And, sometimes, we fall. Yes, you stumbled, and yes, I hurt, but we have all made our mistakes. And I forgive you.
And now, here you are as well, and I find myself falling for you all over again. Please, do not laugh or disagree with me; just listen. You may not notice it yourself, but you have grown. We both have. Perhaps...we were not ready for commitment back then. Your heart bold, indecisive, and mine young and naïve. I would like to believe that time has taught us many things and that, perhaps, now we are ready to face them together.
And to answer your question...yes, I will. My heart has always belonged to you.
(To comment for myself, I must say that I really enjoyed reading this; it is very well-written. You have given Darcy his own voice as a character, and you have maintained it in every situation that he has encountered. Well-done. ^^ )
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-Grins big- -Notices and
-Grins big- -Notices and looks a bit embarrassed before clearing his throat and shaking his head-
Laugh at you, no. But you should know I can’t agree with you. It’s just not in my nature. With caring too much comes much criticism, judgment, and the inability to easily forgive and forget. I’m afraid I can’t simply shrug off my mistakes as ‘obstacles along the way‘. My glasses aren’t that rosy, heh. Life is not perfect, but I can’t use that as an excuse.
I have grown, I know I have, but into what? Same old story, even I grow bored of it, but some questions never seem to get any answers.
I have yours, and maybe that’s all that matters. Words still threaten to spill over…too much needs to be said, but I know that none of it wants to be heard. I must repeat that to myself, over and over, till it sinks in. Shut up, Darcy. SHUT. UP.
Alright, I wont argue your choice…out loud. Just know you have accepted quite a bit of baggage, and I can not guarantee this relationship can go on without trial. The easy way out is never with me.
I hope to see you in the forest, soon. My day draws to a steady close in beams of red twilight and a chorus of wings, and yet yours is the only beauty in which I can focus…
(:3 To many romantic bones in this body, I tell you. Anyways, that was a lovely comment, thank you…I can’t say I can even notice how well (or not) I do anymore with these things, but it’s good to know someone enjoys the rare moments of it XD)
......... ...*gringrin* :'D
...*gringrin*
:'D D'AWWWW.
...^^; Sorry. Just..just..eheh...
-- Dannii <3