Life is testing me. It gets harder to wake up every fucking morning, and when I get home I feel like I should just hide under the blanket and not do anything anymore. Just disappear from sight. When I try to be happy, try to cure myself from the constant cycle of feeling bad about myself... There is ALWAYS something that comes right when I feel a bit better, and hits me in the face, denying me from smiling. I am getting scared of trying to heal. I am scared of tomorrow again.

You know that feeling what comes when you're feeling awful, something's stressing you and every time you think of it even a little bit, suddenly you feel like something is holding your heart and squeezes it really hard, creating this awful pressure in your chest?
I am so freaking tired of getting those squeezes hundred times during one day. It really is physically tiring when it doesn't stop.

I've managed to hurt people again, and that only makes me feel so damn self harming. I am really scared I can't handle the feeling anymore and cause myself to have pain again. The worst thought I've actually had is this... I love trains, I just feel awesome when they go past me in full speed, it sounds so awesome and looks so intriguing. I've been working next to a busy traintrack for a few days now, and today I suddenly just thought how easy it would be to just... yeah. That freaked me out, and I was close to having a panic attack just because of that thought.

I'm losing myself again.