Well....I might as well come forth and go and tell you the start of all my problems. Feel free to skip this blog since it's just a little whiney vent.

Although I had always thought I was straight, I am bisexual. Or biromantic since I still have my phobia of sex and I am not attracted by sex, but I had fallen to someone of the same gender.Even though I only discovered the truth about myself, I know this is who I am. For 9 months, I had struggled with these feelings and only recently had come out of the closet. I told Nana and Aunty about this so they know, even though Nana cannot fully except I am bi but only want to have a best friend who is female. Well...I already do, this one is a friend I had come close to over the years. I got that need already...this isn't a pining for friendship. It's a pining for love.

A close friend of mine who I had known for a few years now, who lives in Sweden and I had met on Deviantart. She has many of the same interests as me, a simalar personality as well, someone who is beautiful in my eyes and someone who I miss when she is not online. I am even "friends" with her on Facebook.

I do not know how I started to have feelings toward her. I was always fond of her. I guess it was when she went on Facebook and became more active on DA, and finally uploaded a photo of her, I fell in love with her. For a while, I thought I was sick and I could not tell anyone in fear of my Nana possibly hating me for being anything other than straight, I waited for the feelings to leave. But they never had....other time they just got stronger and stronger through the summer, especially when I chat with her on MSN, and when fall came, I started to fantasize her as a potiential girlfriend. I kept on wishing and praying she would become mine and I would wait for hours for her to get on DA or MSN since I'll miss her and be down when she's offline. I love her, it's just not fair that she and I are separeted by distance. Even I have my doupts.

One thing that probably kept me from ever telling her I wish she would be mine, it is because of a game. World of Warcraft...as you know is a problem with many people and my sweet is no different. Since I had become friends with her, I knew she was a player of the game. But when I met her, she said her game had no subscription and she could not play it, as she is a 22 year old woman who is not in college, have no job, and is still living with her parents as a leech. But then, on that Christmas on the first year of our friendship, her parents got her several new games for WoW. Sincet then her appearences had dinished. She worked on less and less of her art and will actually be gone for months like up to half a year at the most before she comes back on DA and MSN and it's preety much a roller coaster. Sometimes she'll stay long, other times her stay is short lived. Comes and goes comes and goes. Sometimes, especially now that I like her, I would get into a state of depression and I would wait for her to return. I would make up old art trades so she can have a gift waiting for her when she comes back, and Christmas, I wanted to give her a present by mail along with all those cards and parcels I had sent to other friends all over. But she never showed up, so it really dampened my spirits that I was unable to send her a little something. All I can do was draw her a pic for Christmas and that's what I did, only I am not sure if I should give it to her because it's actually my fursona hugging her as a Blaziken, her favorite Pokemon. I may have to make a bust of just a Blaziken sometime. But I am sick of the game...I miss her alot when she's gone playing that game. Now...it has been since August the last time I talked to her before she went and got the new installment of WoW, which may be another half year before she returns.

I even once had a fantasy of her actually moving here in the US to go to college. She can go to my university for college...we got a great international program and she can even live in the same quad with me and my best friend. She had once thought of college once as she told me, but said that there's nothing she can get with a career in art. Maybe not in Sweden but here she has a better chance. I plan on working locally around here on the coast, living in Aunty's apartment while I try to find a job in Boston, Portland and even NH. If she were to move to the US and go to college, she can find a job like video game design since she loves games and her art skills are like so much better than mine. I envy her talent, it's just a shame she never uses it up to her potential.

Seriously when she returns to MSN, I would like to talk to her about WoW and college. I'd hate to see her a leech on her parents all her life....she cannot live like that. That's not how the world is...it's either go to college, get a job, or die. I do not plan to admit the next time she comes back though, since I do have my fears of rejection or that it may never work out due to her addiction. My best friend suggested that it may not work out, in fear that I may get hurt in the end and a good chance that I may if this keeps up. It did bum me out, seeing I am hopelessly in love with my sweet and theres no signs it may end. A nine month crush dies hard.

Well I recently had talked to my mother about it and also explained it to Nana and Aunty, who seem to have my support though I know Nana is having hard time still to accept she has a grandaughter who is bi. My mother especially suggested that I try to get over her and distract myself with life. And recently I've been trying to do that but it's just so hard. It hurts for me to lose my hopes on my sweet. Even when hanging out with my best friend, I can't help but think about her all the time and I'm still holding to the habit of saying goodnight to my sweet's facebook photo before bed. And also...is it still possible for a person who had believed she was straight all her life until she discovered she likes others of the same gender. Is that even possible? Is there something wrong with me?

So yes...I'm a sad trapped person