A peaceful day again. Of course. Almost all days in this forest are peaceful. I breathed in the clear and fresh air. Slowly I walked the way down from the playground to the pond. The soft moss below my hooves swallowed nearly every sound my steps made. I smelled the different scents of the forest, the sweet scend of warm wood, the somehow muddy and spicy smell of mushrooms and the fresh and juicy smell of the grass. I could hear the different calls of deer in the distance. They all seem happy, not aggressive. Indeed, a peaceful day. Like It should be in paradise…


Suddenly I could hear something different. The wind carried a voice towards me… mumbling sounds, like someone was singing somewhere away.
I perked my ears, followed the voice. It was still to unclear to identify any words… but it was clearly someone singing.
It took me only a short time until I reached the owner of the voice. At a small clearing, on a spot of warm sunlight lay a white deer on its back. It had short gray antlers… something metallic shone on it. I couldn’t clearly see what it was. I couldn’t see its face, because it was looking into the other direction. I could only see the black, slightly curled hair.
I stopped a few meters away and watched silently.
It was still singing.


"We are all.. on our way… to damnation…"


This voice, deep and smoky… it.. it was familiar.


The deer lifted one of its hooves o touch one of the leafs that fell down on it.


"And if we die in dreams… we die for real … Hun, hun, hun…"


This laughter… this unique laughter… there was not a second person in the world who was laughing like this.


I made a few steps towards the deer.


"Bernadotte?"


She turned her head around. Like always her pale face was decorated with glamorous makeup, her dark eyes glanced at me. Her luscious lips started to form a smile.


"Look… look who it is." this heavy, smoky voice I heard so many times, covered with this slight, indefinable accent. "Vico darling... Never thought… I would ever see you again." She turned on her side, looked up to me. "Heard what happened. Sad thing, sad thing. But after all, it was sure it would end like this one day. Men with jobs like yours usually don’t grow old. At least… they made it quick and painless."


I approached her, sat down next to her. I was confused. What was that woman doing here? ‘Bernadotte’… no one actually knows her real name… the owner and licensee of the ‘Cinders’ a bar… or better.. the only bar I used to visit from time to time. I met lots of my contacts there.
Needless to say… this bar was a dubious place… a meeting point for all kinds suspicious characters.


She started to smile again.
"You are hiding your face behind a neat little mask, Vico darling. But I can see… you are very confused, are you?"


"Of course I am…" I looked at her, watched her how she was playing with some leafs below her left front hoof. "I mean… how do you… how does it come … are you…. are you…" it was impossible to ask this absurd question.


"Am I dead?" She smiled at me.


"Are you?"


"Hun, hun, hun…" this laughter again "No, Vico darling… I am not. No need to be worried, hun hun… I just… dreamt myself… hiiiigh up here… into this heavenly place…"


I sighed. Some things will never change.
"You are still taking this goddamn stuff?" She was addicted to all kinds of drugs for long time now. Bernadotte will never die because of a bullet, an accident or a disease… it will be the drugs that will kill her.


"Ah, Vico darling, don’t look at me like that." She smiled and moved a bit closer towards me "Live is too short anyways. Hun hun… you should know this best. And why not tasting a pieces of paradise before it all ends anyways? Hun, hun, hun!"


She put her head against my shoulder. Even here…in the forest she smelled like her usual perfumen, like smoke and like alcohol. Scents of another world. A world I left behind.
A strange feeling grew in my chest.


"Oh, Vico darling… I really missed you. Among all those creepy figures… you were one of the more handsome ones… and one of the very few trustworthy. You know, I was never afraid of you, hun, hun..."


”Hearing you are afraid of anyone surprises me a bit, Bernadotte.” I smiled. ”For me it seemed you always handle those ‘creepy figures’ very well.” The Desert Eagle, ready to hand below her bar, was an open secret to anyone who ever visited the Cinders. No one ever dared to start anything. At least… inside.


She laughrd again, tossed her head
"Ah you charmer. Hun, hun… too bad you never had a thing for women. For you I indeed would have break my rule… and let you visit me… upstairs…" She rose an eyebrow. I sighed. Oh this woman…


"I am really happy I met you here. I could never say goodbye…"


”You shouldn’t even be here.” I answered… for some reasons I was angry… and sad. ”I told you to stop with that crab long time ago. You are destroying yourself.”


She laughed again… her smoky, deep laughter.


”Vico, Vico… you know the world I am living in. You , yourself… were part of this world. There is nothing glamorous, nothing romantic. We are the dirt of the society. We are the collectors of sins. There is no salvation for us, no escape… There is no place to run for us… If you try to run, they’ll get ou, they’ll kill you… and you travel from the hell of live… to the hell of dead. For me… only… those few synthetic dreams… they are the only place to go. To be free…”


I looked at her. For a very long time, I looked at her.


"But… you met me here. In this place… how can you say there I no salvation for us. I am here… in this… paradise…"


”I Hun, hun… Vico darling… of course you are. You may have done cruel things… but…. In your heart… you were always an angel. At least for me." She laughed "This… this or... you are just part of my dream darling, being not here actually, in this strange deer-like appearance, but laying in your cold, deep and wet grave, lonely forever… since no one will ever find you where they brought you."


I swallowed. Her words hurt me. Suddenly even her presence hurt me. I wished I never followed her voice. I tried to cover those feelings. Like usual.


"Oh Vico darling, I just hope I can remember our little talk when I return from this synthetic dream…" She smiled and put her head against my shoulder again.


"If you ever return." I stood up.


"For now, I returned every time… hun, hun…" She looked up to me, her dark eyes shone in the soft light of the forest.


"But one day, you won’t return anymore."


She sighed, turned on her back again.


"It would be okay for me. There is nothing worth to return anymore. The person… that always shared a drink with me… is dead, you know? He left, and I hadn’t even a chance to say goodbye. I think… that is the saddest thing about it. The fact… that… makes me really sad… makes me… want to dream… more than ever. "


I watched her. I couldn’t move an inc. This… feeling… I never thought… someone would actually care for my disappearance. For my death.
She turned her head towards me again. She smiled.


"Good bye, Vico."


I swallowed again. I had to force me to speak.
"Good bye."
Our eyes met. I bent down… kissed her forehead.
I don’t know why… but I Had the feeling I had to do this.
She closed her eyes, a single tear escaped her closed lids.


I stepped back. Turned around slowly… and left the clearing. I felt it was time to go now.


As I reached the first trees again, I could hear her sing again…


" We are all.. on our way… to damnation…
… to damnation…"




Yes. We are.